_^± 



ALL AT SEA; 

OR, 

A MOKPTnTCPS TKOUBLES. 



AN ORIGINAL COMEDIETTA IN ONE ACT. 



BY HARRY GEEY FISKE, 
GEORGE VANDENHOFF, Jr., and CHARLES L. BURNHAM. 



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ALL AT SEA; 



A MORNING'S TROUBLES. 



AN ORIGINAL COMEDIETTA IN ONE ACT. 



BY HAEEY GKEY FISKE, 
GEOEGE VANDENHOFF, Jr., and CHAELES L. BUENHAM. 






DICK & FITZGERALD, PUBLISHERS, 
New Y o r k . 



r/P 






Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1879, by 

DICK k FITZGERALD, 

In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, D. C. 



TMP92-009352 



ALL AT SEA; 

OK, 

A MOKNING'S TROUBLES. 

AN ORIGINAL. COMEDIETTA, IN ONE ACT. 

By HARRY GREY FISKE, GEORGE YANDENHOFF, Jr., AND CHAS. L. 
BUBNHAM. 



Costumes.— Mayne: undress naval uniform, white cap. Somas: dark 
morning dress. Grills: white waiter's jacket, duck browsers, red vest, 
large collar and flowing tie, white linen shoes, red crop-wig. Mas. Somebs: 
muslin morning dress. Rose Leigh: the same as Mbs. Somebs. 

CHARACTERS. 

Lieut. Harey Mayne, U. S. N. I Me. John Somees. 
Bkutus Pizakeo Getlls. I Mes. Somebs. 

Hose Leigh. 



SCENE. — Parlor of a Hotel; doors e. and l. 
Grills discovered dusting furniture. 

Geills. Dust, dust, dust ! And the more I dust, the more 
dust I make ! A nice occupation this for a man of my talents 
and abilities. To think that I, instead of responding to the en- 
thusiastic shouts and calls of appreciative multitudes at Niblo's, 
am compelled to trudge Tip flight after flight of stairs in a • 
to the ring of impatient and insatiable boarders, who little dream 
of tho latent genius and histrionic talent which lie dormant in 
the breast of Brutus Pizarro Grills, the unappreciated man-of- 
all-work at the Atlantic Hotel. Two years ago last Fourth of 
July, I became, for the first time, aware of the heaven-given 
powers which slumbered in my manly bosom, and was inspired 
With a wild and unquenchable longing for dramatic laurels. To 
many managers have I offered my invaluable talents, at the very 
lowest, in tact, I may Bay, at "hard-pan" terms; but, alas ! blind 
to their own interests, one and all condemned me unheard, and 



Copyright, 1875, by pjcii & Fiizgeeald. 



•8 ALL AT SEA. 

as one can't live on water and air, I -was compelled to accept em- 
ployment of a sort far from congenial to my poetic nature. I 
have little time at present to indulge in flights of fancy, for the 
house is filled with guests whose wants are unceasing. Even 
to-day more arrivals are expected, but it seems that I have a few 
moments to myself. There's no one near, the coast is clear, and 
how can I better employ this umisual opportunity than by giv- 
ing vent to my pent-up longings, and running over one of my 
favorite characters ? 
( With exaggerated action and emphasis.) 
" I am thy father's spirit, 

Doomed for a certain term to walk the night. 

But that I am forbid 

To tell the secret of my prison-house, 

I could a tale unfold, whose lightest word 

Would harrow up thy soul; freeze thy young blood; 

Make thy two eyes, like stars, start from their spheres; 

Thy knotted and. combined locks to part, 

And each particular hair to stand on end, 

Like quills upon the fretful porcupine. 

If thou didst ever thy dear father love, 

List, list, oh, list ! — " 
Voice {without). Grills ! 

Grills. 'Twas ever thus ! I must dissemble ! {a bell rings vio- 
lently). 

' ' 1 go, and it is done — 

The bell invites me. Hear it not, 

Duncan, for 'tis a knell 

That summons thee to heaven or to hell !" [Exit, it. 

Grills {outside). This way, sir, this way ! That'll be all right. 

Miter Grills with satchel, followed by Lieut. Mayne. 

Your room is No. 65, sir. Shall I show you to it, sir ? 

Mayne. Not at present; you may take up my luggage. 

Grills. That'll be all right, sir ! \_Kxit, L. 

Mayne. Well, here I am at Wells. How surprised Kose will be 
to see me. Strange that Mr. Somers' party should have left the 
city without telling me of their intended departure. I saw them 
not a week before they left, yet nothing of the sort was men- 
tioned. That the subject was intentionally avoided I am quite 
certain. Could this have been Kose's own idea, or was it on ac- 
count of a growing coldness. I have recently noticed in her 
brother-in-law, Somers? That Mrs. Somers likes me I know; 
that Bose has no aversion to me — I hope. How utterly I am in 
love with that girl, and in so short a time, too ! I, who have vis- 
ited all quarters of the earth, and have seen the most beautiful 
women, of every nation, and have been entirely indifferent to all 
their charms and fascinations, at last become a ready captive to 
a young girl fresh from school, and am j>repared, at the slightest 



ALL AT SEA. l J 

encouragement from her, to strike my flag, and yield uncondi- 
tional surrender. Luckily, having met an intimate friend of the 

family yesterday in the city, I learned that they were spending 
the season here — and, as a natural consequence, here I ani. 
(glancing at his watch.) There is still some time before dinner; 
perhaps I may catch a glimpse of them. Ah I Fortune iu\ ore 
me, for, as 1 live, here comes Eose herself. 

Enter Hose, e. 

Eose. Can it be possible ! Lieutenant Mayne ! 

Mayne. He and no other. Congratulate me, Miss Leigh, on 
having procured an extension of my furlough, which enables me 
to escape from the heat of the city for a few weeks. 

Eose. I do congratulate you most heartily. What a pleasant 
surprise your arrival will be to Kitty and Mr. Somers ! But how 
came you to fix on such a quiet spot as this to spend the remain- 
der of your leave of absence ? 

Mayne. Can you not guess ? 

Eose {shyly). How could I ? 

Mayxe. I learned yesterday that you were here, and that 
knowledge at once settled in my mind any hesitation that I 
might have had as to where I should go. You must know that— 

Enter 'Chills, r. 

Grills. Hem ! Beg pardon, miss, Mr. and Mrs. Somers are 
waiting for you on the piazza. 

Eose. Ask them to step in here, please. 

Grills. That'll be all right, miss. [Exit Gellls, e. 

Eose (confusedly). You can't imagine how — how surprised 
they will be to see you, and — ■ 

Mayne. I am sure I shall be charmed to meet them again. 

Enter Me. and Mes. Somers, e. 

Mrs. Somers. Ah ! my dear Lieutenant ! You dear, delight- 
ful man, how glad we all are to see you ! When did you arrive? 
Why didn't you send word you were coming ? How long do you 
intend to remain? Jack, Jack dear, here's the Lieutenant; don't 
you see the Lieutenant, Jack dear ? 

Mayne (advancing hand). How are you, Somers ? 

Somers (coklly). How do you do, sir? (to Mes. S.) My dear, 
I am going out for a smoke. Eose, can I speak with you a mo- 
ment? 

Eose. Certainly. [Exit Eose and Me. S., e. 

Mayne. Your husband seems charmed to see me. The cor- 
diality of his reception was quite marked. 

Mrs. Somees. You mustn't mind Jack's manner. You know 
at times he is quite'brusque without meaning to give offence. 



10 ALL AT SEA. 

Mayne. I am afraid, however, that it does mean something in 
the present instance, as I have for some time past noticed a cold- 
ness on Mr. Homers' part which occasionally approaches open 
dislike. I am all the more sorry for this as I can think of no 
way in which I have given him offence, and I confess I wish his 
friendship for very particular reasons. Yon must have seen, 
Mrs. Somers, that I have become strongly interested in your sis- 
ter; in fact, I love her dearly. I have never hinted this to her, 
and am not at all sure that my feelings meet with a response. 
If, in this state of affairs, I incur the dislike of your husband, I 
most certainly do not benefit my cause. May I hope,_my dear 
madame, that I still retain your good opinion, and that I can rely 
on your friendship to aid me with Eose ? 

Mes. Somees. My dear Lieutenant, I am charmed, I am more 
than delighted. Though but a poor diplomatist, I feel quite 
sure I can help you. You certainly have my best wishes and 
heartiest sympathies. 

Mayne {taking her hand). I thank you, oh, so much ! How 
good you are ! I knew I could rely upon you, and now, with 
your valuable assistance (enter Someks, e. , unseen) I must succeed. 
{kisses her hand.) I must leave you and arrange my toilet for 
dinner. Good-by for the present. [Exit, l. 

Somees (advancing). What the devil has brought him here? 
Perhaps you kindly invited him ? 

Mes. Somees. Why, my dear, what is the matter? I am not 
aware of ever having mentioned this place to the Lieutenant. 
Was both surprised and delighted to see him. But you seemed 
very cool; so much so that he remarked it. Surely you were not 
sorry to see him ? 

Somees. But I was. I do not like the fellow, and you know it, 
and, I really believe, are trying to annoy me. He is a conceited 
puppy, and if the women here are such idiots as I suspect they 
will be in his regard, by Heaven ! my family shall not follow 
their pretty example, and you, madame, will kindly bear this in 
mind. 

Mes. Somees. Why, Jack, what is the matter ? I don't under- 
stand you at all. 

Somees. You don't wish to understand me ! The fellow is a 
good-for-nothing dog, whose reputation, as you know, is none of 
the best. 

Mes. Somees. Why, Jack, you once told me you thought him 
agreeable, gentlemanly — 

Somees (interrupting). Yes, that's the deuce of it, he's too con- 
foundedly agreeable and gentlemanly ! I can't imagine for what 
reason you evince such an interest in him ! 

Mes. Somees (confused). Oh, I have no interest — I mean, no 
reason in the world. He's pleasant, and his society is agreeable 
to Eose. 

Somees (aside). Trying to put it off on Eose. (aloud.) Well, my 



ALL AT SEA. 11 

dear, you know I dislike him, and you must not feel offended if 
I don't go into ecstasies over your naval exquisite. 

Mi;-.. you arc greatly niistaken. Lieutenant 

Mayne is not the unprincipled fellow you would have us 1 ■ 
him, but a true, honorable gentleman, and you know it ! 

Somees. Mrs. S., I don't know it ! and I wish you to under- 
stand, madame, I will not be spoken to in that manner, (strid- 
ing about.) 

Mrs. Somees. I will speak, sir, just as I see fit, and if you 
don't like it — why, then you needn't. 

Somees (in a dignified tone). Mrs. Somers, are you aware to 
whom you are addressing such language ? I, ma'am, am your 
husband, and as such should command your respect and con- 
sideration. 

Miter Grills, l., unseen, vMh duster. 

Mp.s. Somees. When my husband is in his senses, and is capa- 
ble of talking sanely, I should be pleased to see him. Till he 
arrives at such a desirable state of mind, I will leave him to his 
pleasant reflections and cogitations ! {Flounces off, k. 

Grills. Ha ! Methinks I smell gore ! 

Somees. Who the devil are you ? 

Grills (aside). I must dissemble, (aloud.) I, sir, am Brutus 
Pizarro Grills, man-of-all-work. But that'll be all right, sir, 
that'll be all right. {ExHJt, l. 

Somees. Here's a pretty arrangement. Just as I have got 
everything pleasantly fixed here, down comes this infernal fel- 
low. My wife seems devilish interested in him. A dissipated, 
worthless dog, but wdth a great reputation among the women. 
That's always the way. Let a man be regarded as dangerous, and 
he becomes a lion among the ladies at once. What 'makes this 
affair still more unpleasant for me is, that I must leave here to- 
morrow on important business, wdiich will detain me for several 
days, and Heaven only knows what may take place during ray 
absence. If there were only some one here whom I could trust, 
and who would inform me of whatever may take place while I 
am away. Ha! the man-of-all-work who was just here ! He will 
have ample opportunity to observe everything, and I can surely 
make it worth his while to be faithful to my interests. Ill try 
him. (catting him, off l.) Here, you, Pills, Squills, or whatever 
your name is. 

Enter Grills, l. 

Grills. Yes, sir. Grills, sir. 

Somees (mysteriously). Grills, I have an offer to make you, 
which, if you accept it, will be greatly to your advantage, while 
at the same time you will aid me. 

Grills (aside). Great Heavens ! My fondest hopes are about 
to be realized, and I shall become famous. This is evidently 



12 ALL AT SEA. 

some manager, who, having heard of my extraordinary talents, 
has come here for the purpose of engaging me. I must dis- 
semble, (aloud.) Sir, I am all ears. 

Somees. Can you bo discreet ? 

G-eills. The grave is not more silent, more secure than I. Be- 
hold in me a modern Sphynx. I'm as deaf as a post and as dumb 
as an oyster when occasion requires. Name the task. Be it for 
weal or be it for woe, I am here to do your lordship's noble 
bidding. 

Somees (impatiently). Enough of this rot ! I need your assist- 
ance. Your duties will not be arduous, while your pay shall be 
generous. I must, of course, take you into my confidence. You 
saw the gentleman who left this room a few minutes since ? 

Geills. I did, sir. 

Somees. Well, I dislike him, and firmly believe him to be my 
enemy, bent upon the destruction of my peace of mind. I wish 
only to be certain, then I will crush him as I would a snake. 
Do you understand me ? Don't stand there like an animated 
wooden figure or a grinning ape! What I require of you is to 
watch him and my wife, and report to me any conversation be- 
tween them you may by any means overhear. Can I rely 
upon you ? 

Geills. You can, sir. The combined tortures of the Inquisition 
would not wrest from me this awful secret. 

Somees. Very well. Here is the first installment of your 
reward, (holding out bank-notes.) Be faithful, and you will not 
regret your bargain. 

Geills. Ha! Ha! 
1 ' Shall we now contaminate our fingers 

With base bribes, and sell the mighty space of our large honors 

For so much trash as may be grasped thus? 

I'd rather be a dog and bay the moon 

Than such a — " 

Somees (interrupting). Oh, very well. Since you have so 
many conscientious scruples in regard to taking the money, I 
will— 

Geills. Yet stay! I will receive thy shekels; (aside) for I'm 
thundering hard up. (takes bills from Soccers.) "Oh, what a 
fall of Grills was there, my countrymen !" 

Somees. Have a care ! If you betray me I shall readily find 
means to punish you. [Exit Someks, l. 

Geills. "Oh, what a rogue and peasant slave am I !" But for 
the pressing, wants of genius I had not stooped to such base 
uses. Yet the die is cast ! The gold I gain from this old man 
will start me on .the road to fame and fortune. What, do my 
eyes deceive me ? As I live, there goes the base knave who I am 
to watch with the lady now, no doubt for a quiet stroll. Ha! 
Item first for the old gent, (writing in note-book.) Soon by my 
discoveries the damning chain of guilt will be complete. The 



ALL AT SEA. 13 

enraged husband enters upon the scene — insult — challenge— 
surgeon — pistols — husband victorious — vice crushed — forg ive- 
ness and happy reunion of mollified husband and erring wife! 
Quite good material for a five-act drama. With this dross which 
I will earn by my participation in this business, I shall be 
enabled to throw up the degrading situation I now occupy, and 
aided by that powerful ally gold, obtain an engagement at the 
Globe. Once given the opportunity, my transcendent genius 
must and will show itself, and Brutus Pizarro Grills will imme- 
diately become one of the brightest meteors among the many 
stars of the dramatic firmament. He will, by Jupiter ! I must 
control myself, or the thought of the brilliant future before me 
will drive me crazy with delight. Ha ! A footstep ! The vulture 
approaches with his tender prey fast in his clutches. I must 
watch them. Where, oh, where is there a hiding-place? Behind 
this chair? No, it may be moved! Hold, under this table; from 
there I can observe all that passes. 

' ' Why do I creep thus stealthily along, 
With trembling steps? Am I not arm'd by Heaven 
To execute it's mandate ? And shall I falter now, 
While every moment that he breathes may crush 
Some life else happy ?" 
They're here. I must dissemble ! (gets under table.) 

Enter Mes. Somees and Mayne, e. 

Mes. Somees. We've had a charming stroll, have we not, 
Lieutenant ? 

Mayne. Charming indeed, and all the pleasanter for me that 
I perceive you so heartily sympathize with all my hopes and 
plans. Ah! if I only might know that my love was returned, 
what an entirely happy man I should be. 

Geills (protruding head from under table, aside). I wish they'd 
speak louder. He's talking of love, (writing in note-book.) 

Mes. Somees. Well, my dear Lieutenant, why don't you seek 
an interview and ask the all-important question ? I am sure you 
will not fail. 

Gbells. Item : (writes) she does not repulse him. 

Mayne. I wish to Heaven I could feel as sure. This, with 
me, is no mere idle fancy, but an overpowering passion, which 
affects the whole happiness of my life. Should my love not 
be returned — 

Mes. Somees. But it is returned. Of that I am certain, though 
I suppose I ought not to tell you so. 

Geells (aside). I should think she hadn't. His love re- 
turned ! (writing.) 

Mayne. Mrs. Somers, you inspire me with fresh life and hope. 
But even if, as you say, I am beloved, your husband may ob- 
ject. 

Geills (aside). I think likely he may ! 



14 ALL AT SEA. 

Maitste. If his opposition be strong— 

Geills (aside). I'll swear it will ! 

Mes. Somees. Oil, never mind my husband ! In some tilings 
lie is a goose. I am bound up heart and soul in your plans, 
and if worse comes to worst, I would even connive at an elope- 
ment. 

Geills (aside). Great Heavens ! The plot thickens. 

Mes. Somees. Now I must leave you, as I have something to 
do for Jack. 

Matne. My most grateful thanks go with you. If possible, I 
will see her alone to-day. 

Mes. Somees. Do so. You have my best wishes. An revoir. 

[Exit Mes. Somees, l. 

Matne. Yes, I will shake off this fear and hesitation that 
heretofore have overpowered me. I'll seek Rose at once, and 
learn my fate this very day. [Exit Mayne, e. 

Geills (coming from under table). Ye gods ! The old man's 
head is more level than I at first suspected. I have news indeed 
for him. 

Enter Somees, l. 

Somees. The more I think of this confounded business, the 
more annoyed I am. (discovering Grills). Ah ! Grills ! at your 
work. 

Geills. Aye, sir, and at yours, too. ' ' I can a tale unfold 
whose lightest word will harrow up thy soul — " 

Somees. What, have you made a discovery already? What is 
it, man? 

Geills. Calm yourself, and be prepared for the worst ! Are 
your nerves braced to meet — 

Somees. What in Heaven's name do you mean ? If you possess 
an atom of brain — speak ! 

Geills. Sir, I almost fear — yet why shrink from the inevitable ? 
Know, sir, that your suspicions, far from being unjust, were cor- 
rect in every particular. He loves, and is loved ! 

Somees. Then you have seen Mayne and — 

Geills. And your wife, and have listened to a conversation 
which will ever affect my trust in woman, my belief in man's 
honor. 

Somees. Oh, hang your comments ! I'm in no mood to listen 
to such trash. What 'have you heard or seen? 

Geills. Your wife and Lieutenant Mayne came in after a 
walk which seemed to have been particularly pleasantto both. 
He was most devoted, pressed her hand, swore undying love, 
which she met with an affection equally as ardent, and after 
many expressions of regret at the cruel fate which separates 
them — planned an elopement. 

Somees. You heard this ?— and she — oh, my God ! This is too 
much | Oh, Kitty, Kitty, I loved you so ! Curse him for a 



ALL AT SEA. 15 

sneaking villain, his blood shall avcngo this orael wrong. 
Curse him ! Curse him ! 

Grills. By all the gods of love and war, I am undone. The 
old man is off his chump, and will surely do mischief, if not 
murder. What an ass I was, not to ask him for security ! for now 
I may never be paid. But I will follow him, and perhap 
secure "that which is but mine own." [Kelt hastily, l. 

Enter Rose and Mayne, e. He hands her to chair. She sits. 

Bose. What a funny idea of yours to imagine I was making a 
secret of our intended departure from the city. I really int 
to speak of it, but you so interested me with that exciting ac- 
count of your adventures in the Chinese village, that I quite 
forgot everything else, and when I awoke to my immediate 
surroundings, I found it an awfully late hour, and so I sent you 
home. 

Mayne. No, indeed. If you remember, it was I that first made 
the discovery of the dreadful lateness of the hour by referring 
to my watch, and out of the generosity of my self-sacrificing 
nature, I went out into the darkness. 

Bose. Poor man! How great of you. Your sex is so proverb- 
ially selfish, that such an unusual instance of self-denial should 
ba spread throughout the world. 

Mayne. Seriously, it did cost me an effort to go. But, Miss 
Leigh, I have sought this interview to speak on a subject which 
concerns my whole happiness. Y/ith you it rests to decide 
whether I leave here to-cfay a hopeless, aimless, miserable wretch, 
or remain here the happiest of mortals. 

Bose (shyly). Bests with me? I am sure I don't wish to do 
anything to make you unhappy. 

Mayne. Since the first time I met you, some few months ago, 
your image has been constantly before me. When absent from 
you, I have seemed only to exist — not to live ; when with you, I 
have been in an atmosphere of almost perfect happiness, which 
I feared to disturb by speaking. Oh, Bose ! can you not see 
I love you — love you with a passion that defies my most ardent 
attempts to express it? You have become my guide— my aspi- 
ration — -my hope. Without you, life would be for me a blank, 
and I should care nothing for what the future might bring 
forth ; with you by my side I can dare and do all things. You 
are silent ! Can I have mistaken your feelings, and do you care 
nothing for me? Bose, my darling, can you love me? 

Bose {impulsively). Can I ? Don't you know I do 1 

Mayne (embracing her). My own love ! Can it be possible that 
such happiness is mine, or shall I presently awake to find it only 
another of the delusive dreams that I have so often indulged in? 

Bose. Yes, Harry, it is quite real. If my love can make you 
happy, you have my whole heart, But are you sure that you 
love lne'eo much ? 



16 ALL AT SEA. 

Mayne. Sure? Certain as that I breathe — a thousand times 
more than I can ever tell you. Only one thing now troubles me 
in the least. Your brother-in-law, for some reason which I 
can't guess, has evidently taken a violent dislike to me. Whether 
this is on account of my attentions to you or not, I can't say. 
At all events, he will not favor my suit, and as he is your guard- 
ian, that will be anything but pleasant. 

Hose. He certainly was not pleased with your coming here; 
that I noticed. 

Mayne. Perhaps Mr. Somers dislikes me because of my past 
life, which has, I frankly confess, been somewhat wild and reck- 
less. But, darling, all this is a thing of the past. The future is 
in my own hands, and I know very soon, with your aid, I shall 
become a model man in every respect. At present, I am rather 
in the rough; but I am not, believe me, without possibilities, as 
you shall see. 

Eose. Don't imagine, dear, your past can ever mar my future 
happiness. I willingly forget and forgive any follies you may 
have committed, for I know you'll be true now. 

Mayne (embraces her). Thank you, darling; the world's vices 
and I have now nothing in common. .1 shall live but for you, 
my chief object your happiness. 

Enter Mes. Somees, l. 

Mes. Somees. Oh, the brute ! Oh, the vile, wicked monster ! 
I hate him ! oh, how I hate him ! And he, the old villain, pre- 
tending to be jealous of me, who loved him so. 'Twas only a 
cloak for his own wickedness. Oh ! if I had her here I'd— 
I'd— 

Eose. ) wha{ . ig the matter ? 

MAYNE. \ 

Eose. Dear Kitty, are you ill? "Who is this brute, villain, 
monster, and everything else that is bad ? 

Mayne. And who is "she?" Pray explain ! 

Mes. Somees. I'm a deceived, broken-hearted woman; but I 
won't stand it — I shall leave him and go — 

Eose. For Heaven's sake, sister, calm yourself, and tell us 
your trouble. Perhaps we can help you. 

Mes. Somees. There can be no heir). But there — the world 
will know it, so you might as well hear the first report. Ha, ha, 
ha! (hysterically.) Eead the glaring proof of his infidelity, and 
then take me somewhere — anywhere away from him. I never 
want to see his wicked,' deceitful face again, (handing Eose 
letter.) 

Eose. Listen, Harry; what can this mean? (reading.) 

"Dear Jack: Yours received. I have fulfilled your instruc- 
tions to the letter. As you expected, I experienced a little diffi- 
culty. The old man evidently suspected something. I'm 
happy to say it's all 0, K., and I must congratulate you for a 



ALL AT SEA. 17 

lucky dog. By Jovo ! I'm in love with her myself. A trifle 
dark, but, ye gods, what style ! Shapely legs, and eyes that look 
right through you. But I'll spare you further rh; i psodi es. Run 
down to-morrow and see for yourself; you'll find her at 183 
Charles Street. Drop in and see me during the day; I want to 
hear you rave. Truly yours, Feed. 

"P. S. — She needs as much care as a baby. You must be 
tender in dealing with her, for she has lots of spirit. It is for- 
tunate you've a long purse, for I fancy you'll find her an expen- 
sive luxury to keep. F." 

Mes. Somees {with forced calmness). Well, what do you think 
of that for a specimen ? Ought I not to be proud of so noble, so 
virtuous a husband ? 

Mayne. Have you seen Mr. Somers ? Perhaps — 

Mes. Somees. I tell you I never will see him again. I hate 
him! 

Rose. But why not show him the letter ? At least, give him a 
chance to defend himself. 

Mes. Somees. I believe you sympathize with him. Every one 
is against me. I wish I were dead, {sobbing.) 

Rose. Dearest Kitty, how cruel you are ! I will never desert 
you. 

Miter Geells, l. 

Grills (with bombast). Pardon, my liege and ladies; my lord 
awaits without, and would fain a word with your ladyship. 

Mayne. What? 

Geills (meekly). Mr. Somers would like to see Mrs. Somers. 

Mes. Somees. I won't go to him — I won't see him ! 

Geells (aside). Then Mahomet must come to the mountain. 

Rose (aside to Geells). Tell Mr. Somers to come here. 

Geills (aside). Ha ! the seeds of dissension sown by my rude 
hand have taken root, and now I shall hang out my banner on 
the outer wall, cry, Havoc ! and let slip the dogs of war. 

[Exit, L. 

Rose. Oh, Harry dear, do not quarrel with Mr. Somers. He 
is so vindictive, he'd never forgive you, and that would ruin all 
and break my heart. Conciliate him for my sake. 

Mayne. Trust to me, dearest. I never lose my temper. 

Miter Somees, l., hurriedly followed by Geills. 

Somees {advancing). I should much prefer, madame, to have 
seen you alone. I was, perhaps, more considerate of your feel- 
ings than the occasion warrants, but you have seen fit to oppose 
me even here. Know, then, that I have discovered all. 

Omnes. All ! 

Somees. Yes, all. But you need not fear me. I shall not inter- 
fere in any way with you. I cast you off. Take what you choose, 



18 ALL AT SEA. 

and never let me set eyes on you again. I wish you much joy 
with your pretty lover. 

Mayne (to Eose). Her pretty lover ? 

Mrs. Somees (sarcastically). Your delicious impudence is decid- 
edly refreshing. The liberty you so kindly offer I had fully in- 
tended to take without your permission. You are a villain of the 
deepest dye, and if I were a man I would kill you. 

Bose. What mystery is' this? What excuse can you offer for 
this base insult? 

Me. Somees. Hose, my dear, forgive me if I seem hard, but 
I am half crazed. I have made a discovery. Your sister, my 
wife, has betrayed me, and my curse be upon her and that 
sneaking villain there. 

Mayne. By Heaven, sir, this is too much. I, her lover ! Your 
age alone protects you. I am a man of honor, and you must ex- 
plain yourself or take the consequences. 

Somees. You are a consummate villain. My j)roof is here. 
Grills! 

Omnes. Grills? 

Somees. Yes, Grills. You little imagined, madame, that your 
loving interviews were overheard by one in my employ. You 
thought me an easily duped fool, whose love for you so blinded 
him that he could see no wrong in you. Know, then, that Grills, 
at my instigation, has watched you since that villain's arrival this 
morning. This faithful fellow overheard Mayne's confession of 
love for you, your kind reception of it, and finally your plan for 
an intended elopement. Can you deny this, traitress ? 

Mes. Somees (starting and turning away). You are as great a 
fool as villain, I suspect. 

Mayne. I much regret this unfortunate mistake, but I think 
I can set matters right. I do love, I admit, not your wife, but 
her sister, and she has made me happy by loving me in return. 
I recognized your evident aversion to me, and to insure success 
secured Mrs. Somers' co-operation, hoping through her to obtain 
your consent. Our conversation was upon that subject alone, 
and how that infernal idiot could have made such a blunder, I 
cannot conceive. 

Geells (aside). It seems my vaulting ambition hath o'erleaped 
itself. 

Somees. Heavens ! How my infernal jealousy has mixed me ! 
Confound Grills for a stupid fool ! 

Geiels. Awhile ago I was a " faithful fellow;" now ho curses 
me, and calls me a fool. Alack and well-a-day ! 

Somebs. Mayne, I beg your pardon. My darling (to Mes. 
Somees), can you forgive your jealous old hubby? 

Mes. Somees. No ! Never ! Your insult and distrust of me 
were enough — but do you think I will be the weak dupe again I 
was ! Forgive you, indeed ! Then, your mind satisfied, you will 



ALL AT SKA. 19 

keep your engagement with that vile creature your kind friend 
has— 

Somers. What, in Heaven's name — 

Mes. Somebs {handing him letter). There ! I found it "where you 
had dropped it. You should be more careful of your tender cor- 
respondence. Do you recognize it ? 

Somers {glancing at letter). Ha, ha, ha ! he, he, he ! My dear, 
we can cry quits — ha, ha ! — for you have made as great a mi 
as myself. This letter is from my old friend, Brown, and does 
not relate, as you suppose, to a woman, but to a fine, blooded 
mare that I desired him, if possible, to buy for me. I intended 
it as a present for you when you returned home; but since you 
so positively assert that you cannot forgive me — Oh, dearest, 
overlook your stupid old husband's absurd blunder, which was 
caused entirely by his excessive love for you, and let's be happy 
once more. 

Mes. Somers {throwing herself into his arms). Oh, Jack ! How 
wretched I have been ! 

Somers. And I also; but, thank Heaven, the clouds of mystery 
and suspicion that enveloped us are dispelled, and I have been 
taught a good lesson as to the dangers of jealousy. Lieutenant, 
you say you love Bose and that she has promised to be your 
wife. All I can say as her guardian is — take her, with my best 
wishes for your happiness; but beware of jealousy. 

Mayne. A thousand thanks for your kindness, Mr. Somers; 
now we are indeed all happy. 

Grills. Bless you, my children, bless you ! [G-ong sounds. 

Mayne. Dinner time already, and I confess the events of the 
morning have sharpened my appetite considerably. But before 
we go, let us thank our kind friends for their attention to the 
mistakes and dilemmas of our party, who throughout the morn- 
ing have been "All at Sea." 

Grills {looking at audience, then at Mayne). That'll be all right. 



POSITIONS. 

Grills. Lieutenant. Kose. Somers. Mrs. Somers. 
CURTAIN. 



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